Lessons to Live By

A few months ago, as I traveled by train, I pondered over some of the major lessons I have ‘learnt’ during my life. I write the word ‘learnt’ with abundant caution because ‘learnt’ should have the same connotation as ‘completely imbibed and translated into practice’. 

Alas, I cannot even remotely claim such an achievement!

All the same, here are the big lessons (both sublime and ridiculous) that have struck a chord in me:

I am not my Ego.

To awaken and be aware is the only purpose of my life. Living life mindfully and in the Now is the way to do it.

Discipline – delaying gratification and accepting pain first – is the key to solving all of life’s problems.

What you do between stimulus and response becomes you.

When confronted with multiple choices of what to do, do what is good for long-term, even when it is clearly not urgent – especially when it is not urgent!

Nine-tenth of the wisdom lies in being wise in time.

Visualisation, intention and believing in what you seek is the ‘secret’ to getting.

When it comes to money, understand the difference between assets and liabilities. Anything that adds to what you have is an asset. Create assets.

The most important issue for a commander (and we are all commanders of our selves!) is having and constantly re-creating ‘reserves’ Without ‘reserves’ one is only a helpless and reactive tool to evolving circumstances. Reserves are critical to influencing the battle of life.

Not surprisingly, the above two lessons apply as much to health, use of time and relationships, as they do to ‘money’.

In contentious issues, try and visualize the ‘end-game’. Are you prepared for the eventuality? Is it worth the strife? Or is there a better way?

Often ‘acceptance’ of what is is the key to peace and happiness. Acceptance is not surrender. Acceptance is a choice and always calls for wisdom, courage and restraint.

Finish what you begin. Do not allow delays (there never will be a ‘perfect moment’ to start; indeed the business of ‘perfect moment’ is the biggest delusion there is!) and if a deviation occurs, get back on rails quickly.

Hard work – not talent – is the king.

Weight loss is almost entirely a matter of calories. Exercise has great uses for promoting health and increasing basal metabolic rate (BMR) (which assists weight loss) but eventually the dice is loaded in favour of imbibing fewer calories. Eating smaller meals frequently – and never giving your body’s intelligence the impression that you plan to go hungry and hence it needs to store all calories for future use – is part of the trick.

If you wish to write, you need to schedule it and then stick to the schedule. Waiting for inspiration is as likely to succeed as waiting on a beach for a message in a bottle.  

A plan without time-lines, resource allocation and reality check is not a plan.


To read a person solely based on his looks or words is to set yourself up for possible failure, even a trap. While looks and words count, always, always, always judge people by their actions.

Good story telling is about brevity, maintaining suspense and punch-line. It is not about stretching the tale to milk it for as long as one can. To do that is to sound death-knell for the story.

For a presenter – a teacher, a speaker, an actor, an impressionist, a comedian or a singer – the most important element is the audience.The fare should be pitched at the level of most of the audience. To ignore this and rely solely on display of one’s ‘knowledge’ or ‘brilliance’ is to fail.

‘Style and substance’ both matter in life (and in presentations) but the sequence implicit in that expression is flawed; it must always be ‘substance and style’. While you risk being underrated if you lack ‘style’, you can never ever succeed without ‘substance’. Cannot sell a bad product for long merely with good advertising!

Love is the willingness to stretch boundaries of one’s ego to accommodate another, solely for his or her long-term good.

A good movie is a credible story told well. (There! And everyone in Bollywood says there is no formula to make a 'good' film!)

On Being Successful

Philosopher Nassim Nicholas Taleb has written:

A trivial and potent heuristic to figure out success: 

a) you are absolutely successful if and only if you don't envy anyone; 

b) quite successful if those you envy you don't know in person; 

c) miserably unsuccessful if those you envy you encounter or think about daily.

Absolute success is mostly found among ascetic persons.

I agree. Weighed under the burdens of ego one compulsively compares and contrasts oneself with others, thus evoking feelings of envy and inferiority. But if one is largely bereft of such ego, envy of others' possessions or success naturally does not occur. One simply goes about life's business living in the Now and focussing on the work at hand. That is the only route to fit Talib's category of being 'absolutely successful'. 

The inhabitants of the other two categories have success and misery in direct proportion to the degree of influence of ego in their daily lives.

Simple. Profound.

Being And Nothingness (Or Living on the Facebook)

Why are we on Facebook? And why can’t we get off it?

It will be presumptuous if I were to pretend that what I am about to say applies to all or even a fraction of those who spend disproportionate parts of their daily life on Facebook; looking at what must finally count as very inane stuff, snooping around others’ pictures, cutting-and-pasting, returning to see whether someone – anyone – has ‘liked’ our offerings, posting pictures for world at large to admire, saying clever stuff that must bring silent applause of the admiring masses, pasting feel-good bits of advice that rarely leads to actionable wisdom, showing solidarity with causes that will hopefully reflect the supporter’s magnificent civic concerns (lending a shoulder to finding a missing girl child last seen in Latvia or Lesotho, marshaling friends to donate blood to a heart-rending emergency in Papua New Guinea), or even playfully poking and – Lord be merciful – raising chickens on imaginary farms. If this sounds derisive, it shouldn't – I have done my share of all of this and more.

Of course, Facebook lets us stay in touch with ‘loved ones’; where else would I see the latest pics of Pallavi and Abhishek unless they mailed me directly or posted them on a family blog? Facebook also ‘reminds’ us of others’ birthdays; but deep inside I know that I never missed one even in pre-Facebook days. Then, you could follow The Economist or the New York Times on Facebook and remain updated all the time. Or would you? Isn't it far more cost-effective to go directly to the sites you dig?

So let us cut the chase and get to one view – mine – of why Facebook remains an addictive attraction. I will pare it down to two reasons.

One, addiction to Facebook is mostly a desperate lunge by our Ego to seek acknowledgement and approval. This works in several obvious ways, but let me recount a few.

Ego constantly seeks feedback that says ‘you are liked’ (or admired or considered a ‘brain’ or a beauty or….) through almost everything on Facebook. Sure, most others hardly care for what we post, except a few who read it for amusement. Most acknowledge it only in the hope that their own good taste will thus be silently acknowledged by others; yet others to re-post and get some positive feedback for themselves. Yet the game goes on and on. Such a huge effort and investment of time only to elicit bits and pieces – the word ‘crumbs’ comes so readily to mind – of positive feedback! Is it any wonder that even years of being there still leave us feeling vacuous and unfulfilled?

After all, the way to all fulfillment is to take exactly the opposite route; to be constantly mindful of the devil called Ego that lurks and lurks, whispering mischievous and even poisonous bits of advice in our ears, always drawing us away from the fact that we are already complete and do not need even a moment’s approval of another, leave alone be mired in this quicksand forever. To be aware that we are not our Ego is to live fully. And by confusing the feedback loop implicit in activities of the Facebook, we allow ourselves to sink yet deeper.

Two, all addiction is a cry for finding joy. Isn't ‘joy’ that magic that ultimately all of us seek? But is there ever ‘joy’ to be found in any form of addiction? Alas, there is ‘happiness’ of the moment, but no ‘joy’. The morning-after proves that the drunken revelry of the evening was no more than a self-injected dose of anesthesia and that the only lasting imprint of the last cigarette will be traced on the lungs, teeth and fingers. The reason for the failure to chase gratification and happiness has been pointed out to us by sages. Happiness is always dependent on someone or something outside of us – perhaps always involving a bit of ego-pampering – whereas ‘joy’ is always the flow emerging from within. Anyone who has lost hours engaged in doing something he or she truly loved knows what joy is - reading a wonderful book, sketching, even working on a mathematical problem or repairing a car. As does someone who finds it in things and phenomenon where feedback is not an issue at all – a beautiful landscape, a breathtaking photograph, a child’s chortle….. All addiction fails in the long run – indeed the effects last only as long as one is practicing it.

Any addiction can be submitted to this test. Being addicted to Facebook certainly belongs to the undistinguished list of ‘addictions’.

So, should we now reach for Deactivate My Account button? Who am I to say? But perhaps, we can constantly be mindful of what we are doing there. Eternal vigilance against the machination of our Ego is always the key. Perhaps we can truly use this platform to be connected with people we really wish to and see it as a form of technology to share with those who truly matter. This holds good for those on Facebook who have this lingering suspicion that they are onto something quite pointless, even harmful but are not sure if courage for instant ejection can be summoned.

So whether you choose to remain on Facebook forever or take that step and be free from Facebook - just be mindful that you are doing it for the right reasons.

Aik Alif........

Aik Alif

English Translation and Lyrics originally in Punjabi:

(Courtesy Silent Conversations at http://ilovesunrise.blogspot.in/2009/06/aik-alif.html)

Parh parh ilm te faazil hoya
(You read to become all knowledgable)

Te kaday apnay aap nu parhya ee na
(But you never read yourself)

Bhaj bhaj warna ay mandir maseeti
(You run to enter your mosques and temples)

Te kaday mann apnay wich warya ee na
(But you never entered your own heart)

Larna ay roz shaitaan de naal
(Everyday you fight Satan)

Te kadi nafs apnay naal larya ee na
(But you never fight your own Ego)

Bulleh Shah asmaani ud-deya pharonda ay
(Bulleh Shah you try grabbing that which is in the sky)

Te jera ghar betha unoon pharya ee na
(But you never get hold of what sits inside yourself)

Bas kareen o yaar
(Stop it all my friend)

Ilm-oun bas kareen o yaar
(stop seeking all this knowledge my friend)

Ik Alif teray darkaar
(Only an Alif is what you need)

Bas kareen o yaar
(stop it all my friend)

Ilm-oun bas kareen o yaar…
(Stop seeking all this knowledge my friend)

Allah Sayyaan Allah Sayyaan
(God is Greatness, God is All)

Nee main jaanaa Jogi de naal
(I shall follow the Jogi {ascetic/Sufi})

Jo naa jaane, Haqq ki taaqat
(those who deny the strength of Truth)

Rab naa devey us ko Himmat
(God does not give them courage)

Hum Mann ke darya mein doobey
(We have drowned in the river of Self)

Kaisi nayya? Kya manjhdhaar…
(the boat and the flowing waters do not matter)

Bas kareen o yaar
(stop it all my friend)

Ilm-oun bas kareen o yaar
(stop seeking all this knowledge my friend)

Allah Sayyaan Allah Sayyaan
(God is Greatness, God is All)

Eventually, as one moves towards knowing who one is (or, more accurately who one isn't - one's Ego and outer form) it begins to dawn that pure awareness - and not knowledge-laden thoughts - are the sphere where awakening lies.

We are all part of that flow of Higher Intelligence that is everything in the universe. We are one with it. And yet, we flounder and desperately seek the shore of fulfillment. Hum mann ke darya mein doobey, kaisi nayya? Kya manjhdar...? (We confuse ourselves with our forms...our Egos. Drowned in this river, what boat can take us to the shore?!)

And we go on seeking that fulfillment outside of us. Kade mann apne wich warya ee na....

Unmindful that we are the one we have been waiting for. 

'Charting' Me!

Who am I?

I certainly am not my outer form, I am not the incessant chatter that fills up my head, I am not my Ego....

I am part of the larger consciousness, the Higher Intelligence that 'runs' the universe, the awareness that is even aware of my thoughts and stands silently behind them, observing and listening, inseparable from everyone and everything else around us......

Yet, most of my life I have gone on in an unconscious state, simply acting from my Ego, acting as if I was separate from others and, therefore, in perpetual need of seeking approval, controlling, judging, criticising or at least advising - not always from true concerns for others' well-being and growth but because, at a subliminal level, I had this overpowering need to prove some sort of 'superiority'.

This teaching is at the heart of many spiritual traditions. The crux of our pain (or 'dukha' as Buddha put it) is falsely identifying ourselves with our egoic identities. As I begin to grasp Tolle's teachings better, even to my layman's eye, dots are joining neatly and seamlessly between them and Bhagvadgita's offerings and Zen (the little that I know) and Kabir's dohas....and more. Even momentary awareness of this truth brings instant peace and makes me more effective in discharging my worldly duties.

I have not even scratched the surface so far, of course, much less attained the perpetual joy that must follow. But, with my extremely limited understanding (and nudged by my military mind) I have organised the learning so far in a chart. Here it is:

I am my Ego	I Am
To plod on through life, carrying the burden of my Ego, forever taking counsel of my Ego’s bidding, is my lot. To struggle is my purpose.	To awaken and stay awake is my inner purpose.
At every moment, I am either superior or inferior to another.	I just am.
I judge. I criticise. This tells me I am superior.	I just am.
I am not complete unless I have approval – so I seek it in many guises.	I am complete and do not need external approval.
I am not complete unless I control.	I am complete and do not need to control.
I need to have instant gratification and predictability to feel that I am okay.	I do not need gratification to be in joy; the ‘pain’ of discipline deepens my joy.
I am separate from everyone and everything else – and that is how I treat the world.	I am connected to the universe. I am part of the consciousness.
I live in the past (beset by guilt or emotion about moments that will never be) or the future (and anxieties of unborn moments that might never be).	I live in the only moment that I ever can – now!
I work because it is a chore and has to be done.	I fulfil my outer purpose(s) in alignment with my inner-purpose – with energy, enthusiasm and acceptance.
I am my thoughts.	I am my consciousness.
Life is a perpetual combat.	I live in flow and joy.
I have this perpetual urge to advise others – I know best!	I am immersed in hearing the drum-beat of my inner-self. How can I compulsively prescribe for others?
Disagreement angers me.	I hear with equanimity.
I wrestle with what is. I cannot accept ‘reality’ as is.	I accept.

Mindfulness

A great deal of peace - even 'success in dealing with life's 'problems' - lies in mindfulness. To be present in the Now is to live in the only moment that one can ever live in. To focus on what 'is' rather than what was or could be is the answer to many questions.

Take eating, for example. I recently browsed a book called 'Mindless Eating' by an author whose name I do not recollect (which gives you a clue to my own state of 'mindfulness'!) The crux of his conclusions is that we eat mainly not because we are hungry but out of sheer reflex which, in turn, is born out of our perceptions, the way the food is presented, the number of people we eat with, our estimate of the size of the helpings etc. The answer to not eating mindlessly, therefore, is to eat mindfully. In other words ‘awareness’ is the key.

This seems to join the dots with Eckhart Tolle’s teachings. Living in the present – in the now – then is the core of the solution. Could it be that when we eat mindlessly we are ‘feeding’ the same ego-body? Could it be that we can turn it around with awareness of the now, of being acutely mindful of how hungry we really are, what and how much we are about to eat and thus side-step the temptations and pitfalls that come our way?

This needs to be explored.

Another thought that came to my mind was that the more a person lives in his or her ‘now’, the greater is his or her situational awareness. How is it that some people remember details such as where they kept their keys, parked their cars or in what sequence even the mundane events happened while others struggle? Perhaps it indicates that they tend to be more in their ‘now’ and thus these things get imprinted in their minds. At that moment, what they are doing is of importance and they are completely engaged (or at least almost completely) engaged with it.
Do such individuals have a lower tendency to operate from their ‘egoic’ selves? Are they likely to be happier, even more successful?

This too needs to be explored....

I am my Ego. Or Am I?

Out beyond the ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing,
there is a field.
I'll meet you there

Sufi poet Rumi

There is a ‘me’ that is inseparable from Higher Intelligence or God. That ‘me’ does not ‘live life’ – it is life itself.

And then there is the ‘egoic’ me - that identifies itself with the outer form, the thoughts and causes all the pain by not letting me live in the Now. This egoic me is one that has become the larger, indeed, mostly the only me. It operates from ego and feeds and strengthens itself. It acts from a position of superiority or inferiority. It loves drama and conflict. It thrives on role playing, never from doing simply.

It is diluted by awareness. The moment I am aware of thinking or acting from my ego, I dilute it. It does not require ‘will power’. It needs awareness.

Ever since I read Eckhart Tolle, I have become more aware of that small ‘me’ than ever before. And a number of things have become obvious simply from that awareness:
The egoic (or small or petty or mischievous) me is, as of now, quite persistent. It pops up all the time and plays mischief. It retreats when the light of awareness is flashed at it.

The moment I refuse to act from it, the world begins to change! Other egos appear to retreat and dissolve too!

Eternal vigilance is needed to weaken this small ‘me’.

The retreat of the ‘small me’ does not imply that I have to retreat from worldly affairs! It is all about the gentle dance between the 'human' and the 'Being' in me. It is about balance.

It is about acting with a detachment from ego.

The word "I" embodies the greatest error and the deepest truth, depending on how it is used.

Eckhart Tolle

How Do You Do?

In life 'what' you do is important.

But not anywhere as important as 'how' you do.

Indeed, the 'how' is critical. To a point where the 'what' does not really matter.

To be immersed in whatever you do, you bring the very best to it. Whether it is simply paying attention to someone, cleaning your desk, composing a verse, dressing up (don't all the ladies instantly agree?!), savouring food, studying for an exam or taking aim to shoot.....to be one with the Now and completely absorbed in the act itself is what brings it quality.

There is more that examines it.

What is your intent in doing what you do? Are you impelled by the prodding of your ego? Or is it pure love ("the ability to stretch your ego boundaries to accommodate another person for his or her long term good") that lies at the heart of your endeavour? Are you saying or doing something because you must get instant acknowledgement or approval? Or are you, bereft of the burden of ego, simply fulfilling your purpose in life in the best possible way?

The answer to these elemental 'why' questions defines the 'how' of what we do.

And, it is the 'how' that defines our work and eventually us.